Despite the seriousness of a courtroom and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy.

1

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

2

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.

3

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

4

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

5

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

6

LAWYER: Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--

WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.

7

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

8

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

9

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

10

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral…

11

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

12

LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

13

LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

14

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

15

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

16

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

17

LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

WITNESS: I only have one, you know.

18

LAWYER: What happened then?

WITNESS: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'

LAWYER: Did he kill you?

WITNESS: No.

19

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

20

LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?

WITNESS: The victim lived.

21

LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?

22

LAWYER: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

WITNESS: No.

LAWYER: What was he doing with the dog's ears?

WITNESS: Picking them up in the air.

LAWYER: Where was the dog at this time?

WITNESS: Attached to the ears.

23

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

24

LAWYER: Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?

WITNESS: There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.

LAWYER: Can you identify the rifle?

WITNESS: Yes. There was something written on the side of it.

LAWYER: And what did the writing say?

WITNESS: 'Winchester'!

25

LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?

WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.

LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?

WITNESS: Er...his face.

26

LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

27

LAWYER: Are you married?

WITNESS: No, I'm divorced.

LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

WITNESS: A lot of things I didn't know about.

28

LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

WITNESS: Yes.

LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

WITNESS: Yes, sir.

LAWYER: What did she say?

WITNESS: 'What disco am I at?'

29

LAWYER: Have you lived in this town all your life?

WITNESS: Not yet.

30

LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law's name?

WITNESS: Borofkin.

LAWYER: What's his first name?

WITNESS: I can't remember.

LAWYER: He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?

WITNESS: No. I tell you, I'm too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!

31

LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?

WITNESS: Yes sir.

LAWYER: Before or after he died?

32

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

33

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

34

LAWYER: Did you blow your horn or anything?

WITNESS: After the accident?

LAWYER: Before the accident.

WITNESS: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

35

LAWYER: And you check your radar unit frequently?

Officer: Yes, I do.

LAWYER: And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?

Officer: Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.

36

LAWYER: What is your marital status?

WITNESS: Fair.

37

LAWYER: And what did he do then?

WITNESS: He came home, and next morning he was dead.

LAWYER: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

38

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

39

LAWYER: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question.

40

LAWYER: Could you see him from where you were standing?

WITNESS: I could see his head.

LAWYER: And where was his head?

WITNESS: Just above his shoulders.

41

LAWYER: Do you drink when you're on duty?

WITNESS: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.

42

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

43

LAWYER: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

44

LAWYER: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

45

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?

WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.

LAWYER: Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?

WITNESS: No.

46

The Court: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

47

LAWYER: Sir, what is your IQ?

WITNESS: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

48

LAWYER: Were you alone or by yourself?

49

LAWYER: How many times have you committed suicide?

WITNESS: Four times.

50

LAWYER: Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

WITNESS: Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.

51

LAWYER: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

52

LAWYER: And who is this person you are speaking of?

WITNESS: My ex-widow said it.

53

LAWYER: So you were gone until you returned?

54

LAWYER: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

WITNESS: I went to Europe, sir.

LAWYER: And you took your new wife?

55

LAWYER: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?

WITNESS: She is my daughter.

LAWYER: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

56

LAWYER: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

57

LAWYER: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?

WITNESS: He didn't offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.

58

LAWYER: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it? You too were shot in the fracas.

WITNESS: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

59

LAWYER: How long have you been a French Canadian?

60

LAWYER: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

61

LAWYER: How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?

WITNESS: Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.

62

LAWYER: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?

WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.

LAWYER: It was covered?

WITNESS: Yes, bandaged.

LAWYER: Then, later on...what did you see?

WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.

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